Realizing I have an Eating Disorder

Common Signs Of Bulimia

The American Psychiatric Association's criteria for diagnosing bulimia is recurrent episodes of binge eating, awareness that eating patterns are abnormal, fear of not being able to stop voluntarily, depressed mood, and self-depreciating thoughts following eating binges. The weight of a bulimic can range from under to overweight. The majority range in age from teens to mid-thirties. Bulimia and anorexia nervosa (self-starvation) can be overlapping diseases. Bulimia takes a toll on the body. Induced vomiting can cause enlarged parotid glands (in the neck), inflammation in the esophagus, dental caries and erosion, and injuries to the inside of the mouth. Vomiting can lead to an electrolyte imbalance. The resulting low potassium can cause urinary tract infections, kidney failure, and heart irregularities. Laxative abuse can damage the colon and slow the intestinal tract. Water pills can cause dehydration and low potassium. A bulimic may complain of chronic indigestion, facial puffiness, sore throats, constipation, muscle weakness, irregular menses, and fatigue.

I think I need to admit to myself that I have an eating disorder. As far as I know only one or two other people know about my disorder, that is, before I wrote about it in my blog. It’s not something I really like to talk about or admit to people, but I’m trying to be brutally honest in my blog in hopes that it will help me with my weight loss journey/lifestyle change. I also hope to maybe find other people with the same problem that can give advice and help me to beat my disorder. I really don’t do it that often, probably only a couple times a month, but I realize that it is still a problem, no matter how many times I do it. It’s taking the easy way out. I need to be accountable for what I eat, and if I do have a binge, I need to deal with the consequences. Purging should not be an option for me.

Last night wasn’t as bad as the binge I mentioned last week, but it still made me feel disgusted in myself and like I had to get rid of what I ate in order to free myself of the weight gain I knew was bound to happen if I kept it. I also noticed afterwards, that I get very depressed with myself and I think that leads to me being in a bad mood, which affects not only me, but my family as well. After Dave got home I pretty much harassed him about how he has been playing online poker all day and night and not spending much time with me or the kids. Then I started in on how he hasn’t been looking for a job at all and that he needs to take anything he can get and then once he finds a job, he can continue looking for his dream job afterwards, as long as he’s bringing in money. Even though those are my true feelings, I feel like I could have been nicer about it. Although, I have talked to him about my feelings before and he doesn’t seem to care much or do anything about it. He basically just said that we should just do our own thing because we have nothing in common and don’t like the same things. I asked him why we’re even together then if we’re just going to live separate lives in the same home. It doesn’t make sense. So he pretty much said that I should just leave him then and he went and slept on the couch. I didn’t say anything after that and just went to bed.

So yesterday was just an overall bad day. I feel like I really need to think about my life and goals in general, not just with weight loss. I need to figure out what’s best for me and my children and actually do something about it.

The Binge

Yesterday was NOT a good day. Everything was going fine until I got home from work. This is the time that seems to be my biggest challenge. I made myself a Boca Burger for dinner on a Thin Bun with ketchup, mustard, and sweet relish {delish!} and then had two pieces of the pizza that I made for Dave and the boys. I was going to stop there and would have still been within my calorie limit if I had, but then I got out the Pringles {and counted out 16 chips for one serving}. Of course I had to dip them in sour cream {at least it was light sour cream}. The type of Pringles I have are the Extreme Guacamole ones and they’re pretty spicy, and weren’t satisfying my salty craving, so I got out Dave’s Frito Scoops. Even before I started eating those I told myself if I stopped here I would still be within my calorie limit or maybe a little over… but I ignored my thoughts and I ate one, then two, and I was a goner from there. So… after the Frito Scoops came a granola bar, a Little Debbie cup cake, some pretzel sticks with peanut butter and jelly, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and some peanuts… followed by more Pringles dipped in sour cream, even though I really don’t care for them too much. I then proceeded to text Dave and asked him to pick up the new BK Stuffed Steakhouse Burger and a small fry on his way home. I finished my binge-athon with that at right around 10pm. {p.s. the burger was burnt, too spicy, and probably the worst burger I have had in a long time, but I ate all but one bite}. Oh, and I also got rid of everything by visiting the porcelain throne, not once, not twice, but three times in between all of this pandemonium. So to give a quick recap of my night- I pretty much ate from 6pm to 10pm. I was so disappointed in myself. I don’t know why I didn’t just put the Fritos back. I need to figure out what made me get to that point. Was it the Pringles? Because I wasn’t satisfied with them? Or was it the sour cream since I didn’t measure out how much of it I had? I really don’t know, but I hope that is the last time that happens! And with everything I had… it didn’t even seem like it did the trick or satisfied my craving. Nothing was like, “Oh this is delicious.” But I kept on just shoveling it in! Ugh! So disgusting! And of course I didn’t get off of my butt to exercise at all. I feel like after binging it’s just a waste of effort. So, today is a new day. I did have a weight loss of 1.2 lbs, but I did it the wrong way. So I’m not even proud of it. Here’s to hoping today will be a better day.