Week 3 - Weigh In

Loss for the week: -2.8 lbs
Starting weight: 238.0 lbs
Current weight: 234.6 lbs
Total loss to date: 3.4 lbs

Total Percentage Lost: 1.43%

Well needless to say, I did a lot of stress eating over the weekend. I’m thankful I still had a loss at all! I did weigh in last week sometime {naughty me.. I know} and I was down to 233 lbs but then gained a couple back over the weekend. I guess Ponderosa and McDonalds will do that to you!! Who woulda thought?? I also only got one day of exercise in, and only for 30 minutes. So my goal this week is to get in at least 3 days of exercise for at least 30 minutes each… hopefully more.

Dave has been at his Dad’s house since Thursday. He stopped in on Saturday to pick up some mail and some more clothes. I’m still being strong about the whole break up. He seems to also act like this is it for us. Everything went fine until he gave Brayden a kiss and hug goodbye and then he broke down and started crying. That was rough to hear. I was in the living room while he was in the kitchen with his Dad and Brayden. Then after he put Brayden down he said “I’m ready!” And they left. I was at least able to hold my tears until they left. I think that is what makes me sad the most, is that he’s going to really miss Brayden. I hope he continues to see him on the weekends or whenever he can though. He said he might be able to still fix my car on Friday or Saturday of this week {my thermostat is broken} and asked if he could take Brayden back with him and then have me pick him up on Sunday. I think I’ll be a little nervous about Brayden going there without me, but at least his Dad and possibly Grandma will be there to help him take care of him. I just feel like sometimes Dave doesn’t watch him as closely as he should. And now I also have to think of a way to explain to Lukas why Dave is going to take Brayden with him and not him. He still calls him Dad and everything, and loves going to Grandpa’s house, so that might be a tough one for him. I think it will help though that Lukas has been seeing his real Dad, and I’ll have to explain to him that Brayden doesn’t come with him when he goes to see his real Daddy and go from there.

I also talked to the landlord on Friday and told him everything that went on. He was surprisingly pretty nice about everything and said that he knew we didn’t plan this and that I have always been pleasant to work with, etc. He said he is going to start to look for someone else to rent the place. He didn’t actually say for March 1^st but I told him I wouldn’t be able to pay the rent for that month, so hopefully he’ll get a move on it.



The Break Up

A lot has been going on the last couple of days so I didn’t have time to post. I am still, however, doing well with my eating and lifestyle change but do have plans today to go out to lunch with some friends where they have a fish fry. I have decided that I will only get two pieces of the BAKED fish {even though the fried is SOOO good} and no tartar sauce! I will still however get one or two potato pancakes and spread sour cream on top. I still have to enjoy something, right?! Then I will have a light dinner tonight to make up for the calories.

On the home front, things aren’t so well. I have only exercised once so far this week, and have been pretty stressed out about everything else. It all started when I had my phone interview with the state to see what our family would qualify for now that we only have one income. While she was going through the questions and got to Dave, she said that Unemployment has it listed that he resigned, rather than being fired. I told her that I didn’t think that was the case and that it was probably a mistake, and that I would get back to her about it. So I called Dave and talked to him about it and he basically said well he “assumed” that he was fired and that they told him after an argument he had with his manager “if you don’t like it you can leave,” but all he heard was “well then you can leave.” Then I asked how they can consider him quitting if they told him that he was “terminated” like he told me when it first happened, and he said, “well they didn’t actually SAY I was terminated, but I just assumed.” Soooooo… basically Dave DID quit and I had to find out about it through the state. I also happen to work with a girl that is dating one of Dave’s old coworkers, and she said that she heard from her boyfriend that Dave quit, too, but didn’t want to say anything to me. Awesome, huh? Seems everyone knows but me, and he STILL won’t admit it. So we basically just got into a huge argument and I ended up texting him and told him that he should find somewhere else to go because I’m done dealing with his crap.

I know I have told him that before, but I really think this needs to be it for us. We haven’t gotten along for a while, we’re not intimate anymore {my doing}, we don’t enjoy the same thing, and I didn’t and STILL don’t trust him… and probably never will. So he picked up some clothes and essential needs and went to stay at his Dad’s house. He pretty much told me that all I care about is money and now that he doesn’t have a job I just want to leave him, etc. He also said that I don’t support him and never will, yada yada.

I also called my landlord and since he didn’t answer {phew}, I left a message on his answering machine to call me because I’d like to talk to him about the rent situation because Dave and I split up and I won’t be able to afford the rent on my own. I told him I was sorry, but it was nothing that was planned and it just kind of happened. Hopefully he won’t be a jerk about it when he calls back. He kind of is a jerk, so I’m a little afraid. I just needed to do it sooner rather than later. Now I just need to think about where I’m going to go- whether I should stay in the same place so that Lukas can go to the same school and still take the school bus, who’s going to watch the boys for me now that Dave won’t be home, whether I can AFFORD to pay someone to watch the kids for me, etc. So a lot to think about, that’s for sure. And I’m sure there are many other things I need to think about that I haven’t even thought of yet.

Realizing I have an Eating Disorder

Common Signs Of Bulimia

The American Psychiatric Association's criteria for diagnosing bulimia is recurrent episodes of binge eating, awareness that eating patterns are abnormal, fear of not being able to stop voluntarily, depressed mood, and self-depreciating thoughts following eating binges. The weight of a bulimic can range from under to overweight. The majority range in age from teens to mid-thirties. Bulimia and anorexia nervosa (self-starvation) can be overlapping diseases. Bulimia takes a toll on the body. Induced vomiting can cause enlarged parotid glands (in the neck), inflammation in the esophagus, dental caries and erosion, and injuries to the inside of the mouth. Vomiting can lead to an electrolyte imbalance. The resulting low potassium can cause urinary tract infections, kidney failure, and heart irregularities. Laxative abuse can damage the colon and slow the intestinal tract. Water pills can cause dehydration and low potassium. A bulimic may complain of chronic indigestion, facial puffiness, sore throats, constipation, muscle weakness, irregular menses, and fatigue.

I think I need to admit to myself that I have an eating disorder. As far as I know only one or two other people know about my disorder, that is, before I wrote about it in my blog. It’s not something I really like to talk about or admit to people, but I’m trying to be brutally honest in my blog in hopes that it will help me with my weight loss journey/lifestyle change. I also hope to maybe find other people with the same problem that can give advice and help me to beat my disorder. I really don’t do it that often, probably only a couple times a month, but I realize that it is still a problem, no matter how many times I do it. It’s taking the easy way out. I need to be accountable for what I eat, and if I do have a binge, I need to deal with the consequences. Purging should not be an option for me.

Last night wasn’t as bad as the binge I mentioned last week, but it still made me feel disgusted in myself and like I had to get rid of what I ate in order to free myself of the weight gain I knew was bound to happen if I kept it. I also noticed afterwards, that I get very depressed with myself and I think that leads to me being in a bad mood, which affects not only me, but my family as well. After Dave got home I pretty much harassed him about how he has been playing online poker all day and night and not spending much time with me or the kids. Then I started in on how he hasn’t been looking for a job at all and that he needs to take anything he can get and then once he finds a job, he can continue looking for his dream job afterwards, as long as he’s bringing in money. Even though those are my true feelings, I feel like I could have been nicer about it. Although, I have talked to him about my feelings before and he doesn’t seem to care much or do anything about it. He basically just said that we should just do our own thing because we have nothing in common and don’t like the same things. I asked him why we’re even together then if we’re just going to live separate lives in the same home. It doesn’t make sense. So he pretty much said that I should just leave him then and he went and slept on the couch. I didn’t say anything after that and just went to bed.

So yesterday was just an overall bad day. I feel like I really need to think about my life and goals in general, not just with weight loss. I need to figure out what’s best for me and my children and actually do something about it.

Be Nice- I donated!

I got through my blood donation yesterday! It was at our sister company {which I have never been to} so I looked the directions up on Mapquest before I went. Well, apparently Mapquest didn’t find the exact address, so it just took me somewhere completely different. Of course I didn’t notice until I had actually driven to the random location that it picked so I ended up coming back to work, then talking to someone who had already gone to donate, got directions from them, and then used their directions to find it. I was 10 minutes late for my appointment but they didn’t seem to mind. Except for the lady not being able to find my vein right away and digging around for it and finally asking someone else to help her, everything went well. I’m one of those people that have to turn their head away when they’re poking me and digging with the needle otherwise I think I would get sick. I also tried picking out the most nutritious snacks that I thought they had afterwards and picked Planter’s Trail Mix Nuts & Chocolate and a V8 Vegetable Juice, even though I’m not a huge fan of tomato juice.

Eating went ok yesterday, but could have been much worse. I did end up going above my calories and probably ended the day around 1800 calories, instead of 1500, but stopped myself from a binge! I got the munchies after dinner around 7pm or so and so I had some tortilla chips and salsa, then went to look in the fridge for more. I had a couple bites of light cottage cheese, and was thinking about making myself a sandwich and whatever else I could find, but I closed the fridge and went and sat back down. I’m getting stronger! I probably shouldn’t have had the chips & salsa and light cottage cheese, but at least I was able to stop myself there and not completely ruin my day. I also didn’t weigh today, so I don’t know if I had a small gain from yesterday, stayed the same, or lost! I’ll just have to wait until Monday!

Oh.. I tried mixing the Whey Protein Powder with my Great Value Nonfat Banana Cream Pie yogurt today and it was actually pretty good. I think I’ll continue to consume it that way until I get sick of it.

I couldn’t exercise yesterday because of the blood donation but I plan on getting one in tonight. Not sure what I’ll do yet though.

Week 2 - Weigh In

Loss for the week: +1.0 lbs
Starting weight: 238.0 lbs
Current weight: 237.4 lbs
Total loss to date: 0.60 lbs

Well I am not happy about my weigh in today but I had a suspicion my weight would go up after this weekend, so I was kind of prepared for it.

On Friday I suggested to my sister that we go out to dinner and guess where we ended up? A Fish Fry. And yes.. It was my idea. I had two Fried Cod fillets, some fried shrimp, and potato pancakes. Very yummy, but not so good for the diet.

Then on Saturday I skipped breakfast but went out to lunch with my Mom and sister to Perkins. I had a Grilled Chicken Salad though, so that was good. I even omitted the bacon it came with and added hard boiled egg. Then at the Holiday party I had some kind of Chicken meal with rice and some unknown substance on top (looked like gray guacamole??), and green beans. I also indulged in dessert and then had a few drinks. It was a good time though. I got a few compliments while I was there that I looked nice, so that felt good. I only danced for one song though, so didn’t really burn any calories off.

Sunday I went grocery shopping and then had Chips & Hummus for what we’ll call lunch and Chips and Taco Dip for what we’ll call dinner. It was kind of more just like an all day thing during the Packer game. So yea… Not a good weekend for my journey, but hopefully I can work extra hard to lose the gain plus some.

On another note, I bought some Whey Protein {Vanilla Cream flavored} & some Orange flavored drink mix. I read online that if you mix it together it tastes similar to a dream sickle. I had that for breakfast, in place of my Slim Fast. At first I got the dream sickle flavor, but after a while I had to choke the rest down. I could taste the iron flavor in it. So I’ll have to find some other way of drinking it. Any ideas? I read that you can also mix it with yogurt, tuna, or make a shake out of it. So maybe I’ll try one of those ideas. I’m still confused if I should be using this in place of a meal or if I should be having it after a workout? Any advice on that?

I’m giving blood today over my lunch hour at a sister company of ours. Think I’ll lose some weight? ;-)

2 Workouts in One Day??

Who worked out twice yesterday?! à this girl ß Oh yea, that’s right! I actually can’t even remember the last time I worked out more than once in a day… if ever! I did the 30 minutes on the elliptical when I woke up {which I mentioned in yesterday’s post} and then did 40 minutes with my Biggest Loser 2 Workout DVD. I actually thought I sold the DVD in a rummage sale that we had this summer, but I was happy to see it still sitting in the pile of stuff that didn’t sell! Haha. It was a pretty good workout, too. The DVD does a lot of the stuff that my aerobics class used to do {l-o-t-s of lunges, squats, etc.}, so that was cool. I think I will use it many more times in the future! I’m glad I found it! I’m also thankful that Grey’s Anatomy and Private Practice were repeats last night or it might not have happened! I used to try and exercise when my shows were on to “kill two birds with one stone” {as Char mentioned in a comment yesterday} but I am just so sick of my elliptical right now. I was thinking about looking for a used Treadmill after I get my tax returns. At least it’s something different. Then when I get sick of that, I can go back to the elliptical, or workout DVD’s. I also think the treadmill would be a good tool to help with my Couch to 5K goal. You can’t really get the same effect on a Elliptical.

Eating also went pretty well yesterday. I have been trying to eat mainly Lean Cuisine’s or other diet meals for dinner and making the kids and Dave something separate. Yesterday my Mom fed the kids Ravioli before I got home so I didn’t even have to worry about dinner for them and Dave was already at volleyball so I was just able to warm my meal up for myself. I did end up having to share it with Brayden, my son, though because he’s like a dog when it comes to food and begs for bites every 10 seconds. {yay- less calories! Haha} Then Dave called on his way home from Volleyball and wanted me to pop in a pizza for him. When it was done, I jokingly pretended to grab for a piece and he said, “Nooo… you’re on a diet.” I’m actually glad he said something though because I’m not sure if it would have been a joke if he hadn’t. I don’t know if I would have been strong enough to not eat a piece myself. I was already justifying in my head “it’s only 150 calories.. that’s not much” even though I was already about a 100 calories over my goal already. {I snacked on some carrots and natural peanut butter with the boys as an evening snack}. But I didn’t have one, so that’s good.

And alright.. I admit it.. I weighed again this morning! {I’m addicted!!} I was happy that it was 2 lbs down from yesterday, but if you remember yesterday it was 2 lbs up out of nowhere, so I pretty much just broke even. I stepped on the scale again to see if it would change, but it stayed the same. So I’m kind of bummed, but I guess I should just be happy that the 2 spontaneous lbs came back off. I’m starting to wonder if maybe I am eating too many or too little calories for my height and weight. I have been aiming for between 1500 and 1600 calories and have been trying to exercise about 3 times a week. Any input?? Should I keep it there or go lower? Higher?

I took a water pill today and I’ll probably take one tomorrow too. I guess I’m hoping I’ll drop a quick lb or two before the Holiday party tomorrow. I’m really, truly, not going to weigh until Monday now… I promise! I still haven’t even tried my dress on yet. I bought two for last year’s Holiday party, and decided to wear the other one. So we’ll see how I look in this dress. I think I’m about the same weight, but I’m dreading putting it on. My dress is similar to the one below, but is red underneath instead of blue.

Vitamins

I went to Woodman’s yesterday {I absolutely LOVE that store by the way} and bought some Vitamins. I got a Woman’s 1 a day, some Acai Dietary Supplements, and some water pills. I have never taken water pills, but from my understanding you can take them when you are bloated to lose some of the water weight you are holding onto. I think I might take one {or however many you are suppose to take} before my Holiday Party on Saturday. We’ll see though. I still have to read a little more about when you should take them, the side effects, etc. Have any of you out there taken them before? I got the vitamins because ever since I have been tracking on www.caloriecount.com I have noticed that I have been low in my nutrients almost every day, so I’m hoping this will help it. I’m almost to the point where I’m obsessed with the “grade” it gives me and it really bugs me when I see that I’m low on Vitamin C, Vitamin D, Calcium, etc. I was able to stay within my calories yesterday though and ended up with a pretty good day. I wanted to work out but American Idol kind of got in the way of that. I was going to do it after, but usually when I work out I get a surge of energy afterwards and then can’t fall asleep for a while so I decided to get my workout in this morning instead. I just did a half an hour on the elliptical and I hope to maybe pop in a workout video that I borrowed from my coworker tonight.. after Grey’s Anatomy and Private Practice of course. ;-) Or maybe before… we’ll see. It’s so hard to fit everything in when I don’t get home until 5:45pm then have to make dinner, take care of the kids, clean up, etc. I really wish the day had a couple more hours to it! Or maybe weekends were 3 days instead of 2. But don’t we all. I guess I’ll just have to find a way to fit my workouts in. Oh.. and as for an update on how I feel about the scale- the same.. still hate it. After my good day yesterday and my workout this morning I hopped on the scale to see a 2 lb gain! Ugh! I’m not even going to pay attention to it though. It is so different every day. So this time I REALLY am only going to weigh in once a week so it doesn’t keep driving me crazy! New weigh in day = Monday!

The Binge

Yesterday was NOT a good day. Everything was going fine until I got home from work. This is the time that seems to be my biggest challenge. I made myself a Boca Burger for dinner on a Thin Bun with ketchup, mustard, and sweet relish {delish!} and then had two pieces of the pizza that I made for Dave and the boys. I was going to stop there and would have still been within my calorie limit if I had, but then I got out the Pringles {and counted out 16 chips for one serving}. Of course I had to dip them in sour cream {at least it was light sour cream}. The type of Pringles I have are the Extreme Guacamole ones and they’re pretty spicy, and weren’t satisfying my salty craving, so I got out Dave’s Frito Scoops. Even before I started eating those I told myself if I stopped here I would still be within my calorie limit or maybe a little over… but I ignored my thoughts and I ate one, then two, and I was a goner from there. So… after the Frito Scoops came a granola bar, a Little Debbie cup cake, some pretzel sticks with peanut butter and jelly, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and some peanuts… followed by more Pringles dipped in sour cream, even though I really don’t care for them too much. I then proceeded to text Dave and asked him to pick up the new BK Stuffed Steakhouse Burger and a small fry on his way home. I finished my binge-athon with that at right around 10pm. {p.s. the burger was burnt, too spicy, and probably the worst burger I have had in a long time, but I ate all but one bite}. Oh, and I also got rid of everything by visiting the porcelain throne, not once, not twice, but three times in between all of this pandemonium. So to give a quick recap of my night- I pretty much ate from 6pm to 10pm. I was so disappointed in myself. I don’t know why I didn’t just put the Fritos back. I need to figure out what made me get to that point. Was it the Pringles? Because I wasn’t satisfied with them? Or was it the sour cream since I didn’t measure out how much of it I had? I really don’t know, but I hope that is the last time that happens! And with everything I had… it didn’t even seem like it did the trick or satisfied my craving. Nothing was like, “Oh this is delicious.” But I kept on just shoveling it in! Ugh! So disgusting! And of course I didn’t get off of my butt to exercise at all. I feel like after binging it’s just a waste of effort. So, today is a new day. I did have a weight loss of 1.2 lbs, but I did it the wrong way. So I’m not even proud of it. Here’s to hoping today will be a better day.

I Hate Scales!

The above picture clearly illustrates how I feel towards the scale right now. We are sooo not BFF’s! Ok, maybe I didn’t do the greatest on healthy eating and exercising last week, but I still tried. I can only remember exercising once during the week, but it was for an hour and a half! I felt so proud afterwards to have exercised for that long.. and to have also had a good day of eating and staying within my calorie limit. I was sure I would have lost 1 to 2 lbs just because of that day alone! Nope- had a gain! A GAIN! I know I tell other people “you’re probably gaining muscle or retaining water” but I don’t want to believe it myself. To only have a weight loss of 1.6 is very depressing… especially after watching shows like “Biggest Loser” or “I Used to be Fat.” I know it’s not realistic to expect the kind of weight loss that they have, but still… 1.6 lbs? On the first week? I don’t mean to be crude,.. but I could take a crap for that amount of weight! Grrr… but this week is a new week and I’m going to keep trying. I’m going to try and up my exercise for the week and get in at least 3 good workouts by Sunday. So far I have one down {shoveled for an hour last night- man, was I sore by the end!} and 2 to go. I’ve also been trying to stick to around 1500 calories per day. I guess we’ll see how this week goes and see if I may need to tweak my plan a little. I think I’m also a little too obsessed with the scale right now {have been weighing every day} so I’m going to start only weighing myself once a week instead of every day. That’s going to be hard, but hopefully better for me in the long run. I have been getting really discouraged after I do well one day and don’t see a significant loss afterwards.